had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
