My Higher Power is John Stamos
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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