I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
