I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
