Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
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