i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
