Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Randomize
