He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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