His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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