Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
My life is pants optional.
how does that bad decision feel?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
