Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
someone owes me an orgasm
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
