I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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