One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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