all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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