I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
