And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I wish i was in the wii world.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
