I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
