tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
