i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
