Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
