sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
