OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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