He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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