textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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