I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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