Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
