I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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