Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
