I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
