OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
