Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
My ATM looks so different sober.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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