Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
