So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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