Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
