Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
