did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
the liver wants what the liver wants
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
