I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
