time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
