How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
