This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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