It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
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