I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Randomize
