john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
