Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
they call him Oral-B. enough said
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
