She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
