: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
