Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
