Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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