I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
