I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
