the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
i think my cat just said my name.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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